


Nobody Gives a Flying F@ck about the Bananas: Raising Babies the Stark Towers Way

by aireagoir



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Adoption, Bucky Barnes and the 21st Century, Collapsing Strollers are Definitely Hydra, Declarations Of Love, Enthusiastic Consent, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Humor, Jarvis (Iron Man movies) is a Good Bro, M/M, Meta, Mother-Son Relationship, Pregnancy, Sexy Times, Steve Rogers and the 21st Century, Subscriber Sundays!, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, really meta. Heavy meta
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-07-05
Packaged: 2018-07-14 14:33:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7175774
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aireagoir/pseuds/aireagoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the Sunday Subscribers prompt:</p><p>Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers and the 21st century!(tm) with Clint Tony and Sam being amused and Thor being all "i feel ya" while Pepper Nat and Maria eat popcorn.<br/>bonus points for avoiding CW, gay rights and changing norms/slang, dancing, BANANAS.<br/>If you can fit "boner" in there somewhere with Tony involved I'll give you my first born.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [JAK_in_the_box](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JAK_in_the_box/gifts).



> As usual, this is silly Sunday Fluff and I love you all; thank you for comments, kudos, suggestions, shares.  
> I do feel the need to point out scenes of parenting behavior portrayed within are fictional.
> 
>  
> 
> Yeah. Let's stick with that.

 

******** 

The team breakfast was subdued. Thor was ruminating on how to fix the mess that had been his anniversary, Darcy was sleeping while the triplets were with an au pair JARVIS had scheduled from the Agent Au Pair academy in San Francisco to the tune of $17,000. Natasha had a rare hangover after being convinced Korean soju was something she could drink with the impunity of a filtered, organic juice. Steve and Bucky were quiet, presumably because it was the week of D-Day and that brought back very unwelcome memories they felt they couldn’t share. Bruce was mysteriously absent.

Even Tony was bizarrely quiet. Rumor had it Pepper’s abrupt (“I told you two weeks ago, one week ago, then every evening for the last three nights, Tony. It’s a girls weekend—not the end of the world.”) departure left him dazed. What could Pepper’s high school friends offer her he could not? If there really was something he’d buy it, synthesize it in a lab, or as a last resort pay the friends to move into the Tower. How hard could that be?

Bruce came down, looking a little lost and the tinge of green around his proverbial gills was not something to be taken lightly. Clint stood up, offered the doctor his chair, then perched on the back of a sofa in the living room area. Perching suited him just fine, it gave him a chance to observe Bruce. Yeah, Clint saw it. Bruce was about to use his personal expansion kit.

Bruce lived here, and there was a containment area for him that Tony built then Darcy herself had decorated. The Big Guy loved Darcy to the point it sometimes made Thor a little, hmmm. A shield brother should not entertain jealousies, especially when all Hulk seemed to want was to pet Darcy’s hair and Darcy loved that. It wasn’t like Darcy and Barnes; there was an epic scandal in the making if that particular pair didn’t dial their Flirt back to “stun,” Clint thought. Plus, Thor and Steve were both honorable and patient men who trusted their loved ones. Back to Bruce: without Darcy or kittens (the Big Guy LOVED kittens) available to lure him into his safe space, it could be hard to, with, you know, tact, or sensitivity and all, get him…oh, wait.

Waffles.

“Hey man, you wanna big stack of waffles and we’ll watch cartoons together downstairs?” Clint never said “In the big, padded room we made to contain Hulk smashing.” Cap immediately fired up the 12 serving waffle iron and got to work. A terrorist attack near Bruce’s favorite place in India had left him grieving. Poor Banner couldn’t cope with his pain and anger was taking over. To distract Bruce while the waffles were coming Cap remarked, “Hey! This will be fun for everybody. Today my friend Aireagoir is going to drop off her baby so Bucky and I can babysit for three days!”

Tony looked up. “Excuse me, why would anybody be willing to bring their small child into the single most targeted building in history and hand him off to a 99 year old walking American flag who can’t oxygenate his own blood without the presence of his bae, a Soviet metal-armed former assassin?”

“She said something about plot expediency and not to worry since this is summer fluff. I wasn’t really listening,” Bucky smirked as he looked up. “Also, I’m not really a former assassin, it’s like alcoholism. I’m a _recovering_ assassin.”

Tony nodded. “She sounds like Mother of the Year. Howard would be proud. I look forward to asking JARVIS to document everything that goes wrong.”

Cap turned away from the waffle maker in time to look offended. “There are literally thousands of digital things available on successful childminding. JARVIS will be a tremendous resource, plus, don’t any of you have nephews, or nieces, or cousins…anything?” His voice kept getting smaller as all of them looked. At. Him. Pointedly.

“Right. Not a family-oriented bunch. Still. We’ll be fine.” He picked up the dozen waffles and put them on an unbreakable plate. Clint herded Bruce onto the elevator, already humming the theme from Animaniacs.

********

Three hours later, Cap and Bucky looked at the tremendous arsenal that had been afforded them to cope with one small, mewling ball of cuteness, Ernie. Ernie, short for Ernesto, had a shock of black hair, an adorable little brown, round face with cute little brown eyes, and was wearing a Darth Vader onesie that was almost certainly ironic. No six month old could possibly cause that much trouble. They didn’t get a chance to ask. Ernie’s mother was suspiciously vague on what to do other than “Keep one end full and the other end dry, darlings, it’s all in the diaper bag, I love you all, I’m leaving, goodbye now!” If you didn’t know better, it was like she _wanted_ to leave quickly, which surely wasn’t true.

They were going to take Ernie down to team dinner, but they couldn’t get the stroller unlocked. Sure, they could carry him, but that’s what the stroller was for. It was probably safer, Steve thought. The stroller was MADE to hold a baby. So, he tried to open it. Nothing. He pushed on one side. Nothing. Other side. Nothing. Top? No. Well, you could guarantee the wheels would go on the ground, so if you…no. Shake it? Pull it apart? Steve was desperately fiddling with notches, red things marked brake, some key joints that LOOKED collapsible, all while staring at the schematic JARVIS was displaying for “easy set up.” Cap’s smile was more and more strained as he tried to get the stroller to just…become a stroller, for crying out loud, that’s what it said it was… before Bucky tried, because he usually solved mechanical issues by breaking things down to a molecular level, by the time he got control of both his left arm and his temper. So Steve was flipping, striking, putting his weight on, screwing in some things while unscrewing others, popped one wheel off, lifted the entire thing, turned it over, WAS THIS STROLLER MADE BY HYDRA?

He looked up. Bucky, utterly serene, said “Ernie doesn’t need no 21st century fancy buggy, do you, Ernie? Say ‘no!’ Say ‘No, I don’t, Uncle Steve!’ We got some cloth, we’re fine.”

Bucky was wearing a sling thing, and Ernie was dangling in front of him, giggling and pushing out his fat little legs.

”Oh. Wow, Buck. Uh, good look for you.” He meant it. Bucky looked happy. So Steve grabbed this big bag, which was supposed to have “everything they needed,” and they set off for the Chinese feast awaiting them. The entire team should be there, which meant tons of help and advice, because, let’s face it, most of the Avengers can’t resist a chance to stick their noses in.

Downstairs everybody took turns cooing at, shaking their heads at, or at least acknowledging the presence of, the 18 lb. little man that had joined them. Maria tickled his round smiling face for a bit, he was awfully cute. Ernie immediately liked Thor’s big deep voice, which Thor thought was…nah. He had gotten enough of that with the triplets. He bolted, carrying six containers of food and mumbling something about so sorry, date night, Sunday was for Masterpiece Mystery, whatever. The man was smoke. So, no Asgardian god with experience to count on. Screw you too, teammate.

Bruce smiled at Ernie then looked closely at him. Brown skin, black hair, flashbacks to India and…shit. He was down the elevator fast as he could go, and Steve turned on the waffle iron. Dammit, he really could have used Bruce’s help. That was OK. It wasn’t Bruce’s fault he was Hulking out right now, and being responsible about it, going downstairs with waffles and cartoons, was really the best thing he could do. For himself, but, for all of the greater metropolitan area, honestly. So, Bruce was out.

The meal was just getting going when Ernie started to fuss. It wasn’t a little cry, it was a “why are you sticking me with fondue forks?” sort of helpless wail. Steve and Bucky looked at each other. That wail could mean anything.

Barnes looked at Ernie. “Ernesto, point to what’s wrong.”

He was too young to follow even basic commands, sadly. So, starting with the idea of "keep one end full and the other dry” Bucky waved a crab Rangoon at his mouth. Ernie cried more, so Steve said, “Does he need his diaper changed, Buck?” Bucky looked confused. “How on earth would I determine such a thing, Steve?” Uh, that was a good question. He looked around the faces at the table. Natasha had a small grin on her face.

“Nat, you look like you have something to contribute,” Steve said acerbically.

“Barnes, put your finger inside the diaper and feel for wetness.” Holy crap! That was rather…invasive, was it not? Steve looked a little green. Barnes took care to use his flesh hand to feel. “Confirmed, I feel wetness. Protocol?” Steve looked up. Oh! Right! They had a bag, for “everything.” He wildly looked through the contents. “Yeah, uh, obviously we should move this away from food preparation or consumption.” They bundled little Ernesto over to a glass coffee table, then set up. There was a pad to lay him on, wipes, and these big plastic things everybody swore were diapers now. So. They looked at the diaper. There were no pins. How do you remove a diaper without pins? “JARVIS, explain diaper changing—uh” Steve’s voice trailed off as every single person glared at him and Sam said, “man, you gotta go a long way to kill a brother’s appetite but that’s top of the list.”

Bucky was looking down at the plastic things. “Steve, these appear to have self-adhesive tabs which will come around the baby and attach to the front without further assistance. Common sense suggests they would also release without applying a solvent, acetone or similar.” Bucky gingerly picked at one. It did indeed come off. Two seconds after he did that, the worst smell in the entire world came to both of them.

“Holy Mary, mother of God!” Bucky picked up the half-diapered infant, and ran him to the elevator as though he were a tiny grenade. “Steve! Combat protocol ONE. ONE.” With that he disappeared into the elevator and the door shut. Sam looked alarmed. This was the most military-minded thing he had seen Barnes do in a long while. “Steve! What’s Protocol One? What the hell does that mean, Steve?”

Captain America was shoving things into this stupid bag with a dumb-looking giraffe on it. “Sam, it’s what the first protocol is in any civilized engagement.”

“Steve, I’m not sure we have those any more. Elaborate?”

Cap ran towards the elevator. “Move away from innocent bystanders. If you had smelled that…trust me. We’re on a wartime footing here, ladies and gentlemen.” He grimly walked into the elevator and pushed 32, his own floor. “JARVIS, what can I expect?” “A bath is being drawn, sir. I suggested it after it appeared wipes would not be sufficient to, er, refresh baby Ernesto.”

The doors closed. Not before he heard everyone else laughing hysterically.

Steve came into their apartment to see Bucky trying to dunk Ernie into the toilet. He grimaced, then moved towards the pair of them. Bucky looked grim. “Any idea how we dispose of detritus?”

“JARVIS, patch through to Tony.” JARVIS did so. The sound of laughter dying away as Tony struggled to sound normal. “Tony Stark h-here.”

“What kind of payload will these toilets take?”

“Uh, my goodness, that’s,” Bucky and Steve looked at each other while they heard Tony try to keep the tears out of his eyes. “Are we talking a Star-Spangled dump, or, are you trying to flush an entire baby’s diaper down the—ha!” It cut out. Thanks, Tony. Asshole.

They fished the diaper out, put it in the trash, then put out the trash. They wrangled little Ernie, by now wet, screaming and scared because he had _been swirlied_ , for God’s sake, into a warm bath. Bucky tried to hold him up and make funny little sounds but Ernie was having a major meltdown. It took 15 minutes to clean him. Well, two. It took 13 to get his butt in the air where Steve could see what he was doing, without trapping anything belonging to the baby in Bucky's mechanical arm. Once he was sanitary, the bath needed to drain, then they'd have to clean the bath.

The two men got him out, laid him flat, and while they were drying him off a crystal-clear stream of pee went right over Bucky’s hands and arced onto Steve’s foot. Bucky only laughed a little as he said “Thanks, little man,” and tried to wrap the big plastic thing around Ernie’s legs then secure it without pins. That part just wasn’t right. He KNEW people still thought of pins on diapers, why else would they be on every cutesy baby-related card you ever see in stores? You need pins. You just do.

Steve sighed, went to the tub, and rinsed off his foot. Until he realized the water probably already had contaminants he didn’t like to imagine. He put fresh water on, and soaped and rinsed there. But they still needed to sanitize the tub. And the toilet was gross. Plus the baby had lain on the bathmat. Then he had to wash his hands. Good Lord, the amount of clean up never ended. It was like the Army, if you pulled KP for the entire war.

KP.

“Buck, we have to feed Ernie.”

“Oh, yeah. Probably.”

Back to the stupid, dumb, infernal bag. How much stuff was in here? It was like that magic bag in Harry Potter, where Hermione could pull out two books, a cot, a turkey dinner for eight plus a gold-plated canoe. Steve and Bucky sorted through everything that looked like a foodstuff. There were lots of jars to feed Ernie out of, plus some powder. Two of the jars said "Gerber Banana." Bucky tossed those in the trash without even looking. Steve protested, "Buck, we can't waste food. That's wrong." Bucky nodded. "I agree. If that was food, I wouldn't waste it."

Oh God. "Well, at least, here. We'll recycle the containers. I mean it though; everyone here says these bananas are FINE."

"Steve."

"But..."

"Steven Grant Rogers, I love you with all of my heart. Please don't make baby Ernie listen to the horrible things I will do if you feed him the FUCKING BANANAS. Don't make me say it. Don't. Don't!"

"I mean it, James Buchanan! Pardon my language, but with the exception of you, my demented lover, nobody gives a flying fuck about the bananas!"

"STEVE, IT'S EVEN IN THE PROMPT. **NO FUCKING BANANAS**."

Steve knew when he was utterly and irrevocably beaten. He gently cleaned out the jars and put them into the glass recycling bin. Then he glumly stared at a canister. It said it was baby formula. There was a guide. One scoop to make two ounces.

“JARVIS, patch to Nat, please. Nat, how much do you feed a normal human male Ernie’s size?”

“Why on Earth would you ask me?”

“Because you’re…a…woman?” Steve actually heard himself curl up and die at the end of the sentence.

“Steve, Maria here, on my way out; try 8 ounces, in a bottle, about room temperature. I babysat twice, when I was 13. Then I figured out how to hack into the FBI mainframe and that was the end of watching babies for $4.00 an hour plus snacks. Back tomorrow, uh, tell everyone good night.”

“Maria, in the next alien attack, I’ll save you and your choice of any one other person, first.” Steve paused. “And Sam, I can hear you snickering in the background, so it will NOT be you. Rogers and Barnes OUT.” He cut the comm over a faint protest from Sam that he was being "plain stone cold to a bro" and Tony promising he’d put little body-warmer jet packs on Falcon’s wings since the playground bullies were so mean to him.

Bucky was making a _face_ at the canister. “Steve? Are you SURE this is the sustenance powder?” When mixed, it smelled like a terrible aberration of a food-stuff that should be given a proper Christian burial, not stuck in Ernie’s little mouth. But it did indeed say FORMULA and there was a fat baby on the front, drinking a bottle and looking happy. Steve smelled it and winced. He thought about it, then said “I never gave it a thought, but, in order to breastfeed the baby you have to actually give birth to it. I mean, not always, but most of the time, right? So, if you adopt a baby, and Ernie is adopted, then, how would you get breast milk? Do people still have wet nurses?"

"Probably the internet."

Steve paused. "Ugh, from a stranger?”

Bucky picked up Ernie and attempted to hold him and place the bottle in his mouth as pictured on the canister. “You can anonymously meet anonymous people on your phone and swipe right for instant anonymous sex. Is breast milk more intimate than a guy you've never seen before asking if you'll put a dog collar on him then call him Beverly?”

Steve looked affronted. “YES! Little Ernie doesn’t have a say!”

There was a long break.

"Just to--oh. OK." Steve should have known better than to ask if Bucky had ever, well, swiped right. Sure, they both had a past, but deep down he knew Bucky wouldn't do that. "Anyway, Ernie drank it all then burped like a merchant marine, so I guess that's what he wanted."

Bucky nodded. True enough. Ernie looked happy. And sleepy. They had an annoyingly convoluted thing called a Pack’n’Play they were supposed to turn into a safe place for him to sleep.

“JARVIS, put up schematics for Pack’n’Play.”

Steve stared at the drawings for the Pack’n’Play. OK, just pull this UP. Dammit, the thing was still floppy. This thing, UP. No, now two walls were sagging. UP at the same time and, success! But there was no floor. What the hell? Where was the FLOOR? And if he got a floor, a wall was weak. If he got all the walls and a floor, the whole thing had an evil-looking metal pole in the center just waiting for little Ernie to impale himself.

Maybe they could put him in a drawer. That was still done now, right? Bucky looked dubious. “They don’t even allow pins anymore, Steve.”

“JARVIS: THROUGH TO TONY NOW. Tony, I will do anything you want if you make a safe space for this kid to sleep.”

“Coming, dear!” They looked at each other. Crap. You could HEAR Stark’s shit-eating grin from 14 floors down.

They let Tony in, Ernie comfortably drowsy in Barnes’ flesh arm. Stark’s eyes practically glowed. “OK, my supersoldiers, you missed team dinner but all is forgiven for bringing me this shit heap of unadulterated parts just waiting to be brought down to the lab for some very intimate playtime.”

Steve looked panicked. “But Ernie will be safe, right?”

Tony was dragging the Pack’n’Play behind him. “Totally! Whatever.”

Steve tried again. “THIS Ernie, this baby right here, he’ll be safe?”

Tony was measuring things with one hand while picking up all of the rigging, mumbling, singing to himself, and dancing to a tune only he could hear. He shot a look back at Steve, Barnes and THIS Ernie. “Everyone will be safe. Safety for everyone! Guaranteed! Daddy is gonna be _so good to you, yes I am._ OK, see you soon, gotta go, popping a tech boner in front of Captain America probably makes baby Jesus cry or something, LAB TIME!”

And just like that, he was gone.

Bucky and Steve looked at each other.

Barnes laughed.

“Tony knows we’re a couple, right?”

Steve tilted his head. “The fact we share an apartment, a bed, and introduce ourselves to those in the Tower as a couple should be a tip-off.”

“What happened in America, exactly, where two gay men just made breast milk out of powder and that’s fine but a “tech boner” is what you don't share with people? I’m just trying to find the line. It’s not that I’m complaining, exactly, but do you ever think it's weird, how we, I dunno, got here?” Bucky's train of thought slowed.

“Yeah. I know. Although, I think Tony’s behavior in general is something we should shield from the public whenever we possibly can.” He looked over to see Barnes nodding at the wisdom of his mate’s words. Then, he registered surprise, as Tony popped back in and grabbed at the baby cradled in Barnes’ metal arm. Barnes deftly moved his right arm and suddenly Iron Man would break 14 bones if he even blinked wrong.

“Tony, you have two seconds to explain your grabbing motion or I will set this baby down, entrust him to Steve’s loving care, and engage the business end of my left arm,” Barnes said, as he might give menu options to a person dining in a restaurant.

Tony looked confused, like he always did when he forgot his mind couldn’t be read. “Sorry! How can I make it safe for Ernie if it’s not DNA coded to him?” Barnes let go. Tony deftly swiped a bit of drool off of the baby’s chin and ran away again.

Barnes looked down. “Ernie, you’ll be MUCH safer in our bottom drawer. I promise.” Steve lined the drawer with a few towels and blankets and the baby was lain on his back, wearing jammies that said “handsome like daddy” and a sleep sack that warned “Back is Best!” With that in mind, Ernie drifted off to sleep, probably dreaming primarily of a time when he had enough head control he could maneuver himself into a comfortable position, for once.

Steve and Bucky looked at each other and smiled. Bucky might never get used to being the shorter one, but it was nice to tuck his head under Steve’s chin and watch Ernie breathe, not a care in the world. Then he heard Steve’s stomach growl. Oh, right. Neither of them had eaten. A quick text to Clint ensured leftovers were coming up, then they tried to clean up the trail of stuff that led from the bathroom to the drawer. My GOD there was so much stuff.

Clint, who unlike Tony had the sense God gave a pineapple, knocked and entered quietly, holding meager offerings. Steve and Barnes fell on them like they were starving, which, given their metabolisms, wasn’t as far off as you’d think, Clint supposed. Steve asked how Bruce was, and the only response he got was a sad shrug from Clint, while he made a gesture holding his arms out. So, the Big Guy was in the house. Steve quietly asked JARVIS to take some stills of Ernie from today’s footage and put them on the wall for the Hulk to see. He may enjoy serene baby pictures, if he likes kittens. Clint thought that was nice. Everyone on the team was making an effort to find out how to be the best helper they could be for Bruce. The only one who walked away entirely was Maria. Clint shared that, feeling a little miffed. Barnes had a wry smile. He mentioned that when he was in terrible pain, the only person whom he really wished couldn’t see it was Steve. But that was the intimacy of a very long-term love affair; in the end, they are the ones who see the very worst.

All three men nodded. Maybe Maria wasn’t indifferent. Maybe she was respecting a request to not have that kind of intimacy just yet. All three men thought that could be really good for Bruce. Steve had a smile on his face, and Bucky put up two seconds of token “mind your own business, Rogers.” “JARVIS, can you clock our Big Guy’s response to pictures of Ernie?”

“Certainly, Steve. Respiration and perspiration both indicated higher levels of calm. He has yet to return to desired baseline.” Desired baseline would mean they would have this conversation with Bruce.

“JARVIS, would you select a still from Maria tickling Ernie’s cheeks and put it up down there?”

Bucky had taken Clint over to watch Ernie sleeping. Clint couldn’t have cared less. Until he saw it, then, damn, it was a classic case study in breathing technique. Wow. He went and got his phone, and filmed Ernie for 45 seconds. His in and out, regular pattern, all done with no stress or hitches, damn. That was TEXTBOOK breathing for archery. He excitedly signed/talked low to Barnes as they discussed it. That gave Steve enough time to come back from the stove, where he had made up seven gorgeous grilled cheese sandwiches. Three per soldier, and one giant one for Clint.

“Golly gee, you even used the poppyseed bread I like! You’re a good mother, Mr. Rogers-Barnes.” For his trouble, he got a smack with the spatula. Clint laughed. “Sorry, Mr. Barnes-Rogers?” Bucky winked at Steve. As fiery red as he was, Steve wasn’t mad. Embarrassed if anything, seeing as how Bucky had caught him, just last week, writing out their last names in combination, with hyphen, without hyphen, reversed, even two words made into one. No, Bucky thought, I’ll throw myself off a train again before we’re Steve and James “Bucky” Buchanan Rogarnes.

For NO good reason at all, he could feel their friend Aireagoir psychically chiding him about changing names. He told imaginary Aireagoir NEVER YOU FUCKING WELL MIND about that vibranium wedding band in Steve’s size he may, or may not, have secure-emailed the King of Wakanda about. Then a welcome distraction popped out of the speakers.

“Patch through from Dr. Banner, sirs?” JARVIS had lowered his voice. He was nothing if not perfectly attuned to modulating his voice for those who slept. Or, slept it off, which was the much more commonly used setting.

“Of course. Bruce?” Steve had stopped eating.

“Yes, it’s me. I assume I have you to thank for the pictures?”

“Yeah. I didn’t have time to go and ask the interns for their kitten.” Several of the interns, housed in the next building over, jointly took care of an orange kitten that was demanding, a constant attention seeker, and used up every spare second they had but yet they were madly devoted to him. They called him Tony the Tiger for obvious reasons. Steve continued, “I took a gamble, figured if for some reason it made you worse, then at the very least we could put that on our list of the Big Guy’s Triggers.” That list was vast. Although to be fair, if you eliminated Tony-specific or Tony-generated behaviors from it, it wasn’t even a full written page.

“It helped a ton. Thank you. Did, did Maria have dinner with you all?”

Clint immediately took it up. “Hey man, sorry, I couldn’t do more cartoons, I needed to help babysit.” That wasn’t totally true, but he had brought them kung pao chicken so Steve and Bucky let it slide. “Maria did eat, then went back. Phil has a thing.”

The relief was there if you were listening for it. “Nah, good, that’s good. The Phil thing has been on the book for weeks.”

Steve caught both men with his eyes and they nodded. “It’s the three of us, Ernie is asleep. Want to take a quick peek?”

“Thank you, that’s kind. I’m tired. Do you think, I mean, if everyone, could I hold him tomorrow, maybe?”

“Barnes here—of course. I’ll even diaper him up for you, clean as a whistle. While you’re holding him, I’ll tell you about the great aim he had to pee on Steve’s foot.”

“I look forward to it. Uh, thanks, guys. Good night.”

With that, everybody got ready for what they hoped was a good night of sleep. But of course it wouldn’t be, for several reasons, not the least of which was…

Without warning, Clint, Barnes, Steve and baby Ernie were put on hold until next week, because in a moment of unusually circular meta-writing, Ernie’s mommy came back to insert herself in the story. She needed to cannibalize part of another prompt before the action could resume.

Also, Tony’s lab blew up.

 


	2. Intermission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel for ya, Buck.

A week-long hiatus, thanks and now enjoy the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second part of this Sunday Subscriber ficlet, in which we discover shocking insight into the cruel world of Pack'n'Play manufacturing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 is courtesy of stasiastclair, who wrote the following prompt:
> 
> Darcy Lewis/Bucky Barnes (preferably Darcy is Tony's daughter). Prompt: "What the hell have you done with my screwdriver?"
> 
> Thank you for the terrific suggestion! I'm sorry I couldn't work in a father/daughter angle, but I hope you enjoy the rest. Thanks very much to all of you who have read, left kudos and/or commented.  
> **Please note this chapter contains moderately racy foreplay between two enthusiastically consenting partners.**
> 
> The final installment of Subscriber Sunday will be out next week!

********

 

Tony’s head is swimming. A quick check to make certain it’s still attached to his neck, and back out, thank you.

Then.

Voices. Ooof. Who? Woman. Darcy. Darcy and, a newsie? Who the hell is that? Oh my God. Bucky. Like, Old-timey Bucky. What the hell?

“…trust me Bucky, I wanted this a lot more than you know…”

“…oh, Dollface…I’m starting to want things I didn’t know I could want…”

“…trust me…I want it, too…always have, always will….” Some rubble shifted.

“Steve will kill me…”

“I thought Thor would too, then I was completely honest about it, and here we are.” More rubble.

“I didn’t think I could have something for one damn minute and it could erase 70 years of pain.”

“It won’t, Buck, but it will make the future so much more than you dreamed it could be.”

“God, I’m a mess... I can’t go back, Darce, I just can’t.”

“Let’s solve this THEN build the future. Okay, babe?” There was a creak.

“Right you are, Darce.” Another creak.

Holy crap. Tony didn’t die, but he certainly will when Darcy and Bucky run off and leave Thor and Steve with three kids, two broken hearts and one MASSIVE grudge against the guy that didn’t even warn them. “Jarv? Buddy?” He can barely hear himself. Thank gods, J can hear him.

“Sir! Sir, I can hear you. You were unconscious for four minutes and 57 seconds, sir. Your heart rate is elevated. His Royal Highness Thor Odinson is working his way towards you. Your Highness, might I suggest an attempt to shift the portion of the desk immediately to your left.”

Oh. OK. Uh, Thor was there. So, he heard that. Great. Guess Darcy really was honest. Maybe things worked differently on Asgard? Bruce had warned him the very first time Darcy saw Bucky Barnes. She had said, “Where you been all my life, handsome?” Bucky took one look at Darcy and without missing a beat replied, “Hell, dollface. Guess you make this one heaven, huh?” Bruce looked at Tony and said “oh, good. We’ve been lacking drama for the last ten minutes.”

Tony felt Thor lift the desk off of him. “Thor! Pal! Am I glad to see you.”

“And I you, dear friend. We heard the noise and came running when Mr. Jarvis said there had been an explosion. You seem to have encountered unexpected difficulty in your latest renovation of workaday technology. Do you know what went wrong, Tony?”

“Uh, yeah. Say, uh, I thought I heard Bucky and Darcy. They here?”

“Of course! Love, where is Bucky?”

Darcy popped up from behind some mangled metal. “Hey, Tony! Jarv sent for Bruce. Bucky ran to see if Bruce feels well enough to check you. You got your bell rung pretty good.”

Sure enough, the two men came sliding into view, Bruce looking at the destruction with a practiced, if somewhat weary, eye. “Tony, I heard. Don’t move just yet. What day is it?”

“Uh, whatever day the baby pooped and Bucky acted like it was a grenade?”

“That’s actually pretty good for you, if we grade you on the Tony curve. Show me move your feet. Good. Go ahead and move him, Thor. We can do the rest of the exam over here.”

Tony submitted to useless finger following, answering who the President is (“not me, dammit,”) and was pronounced healthy. He decided to shelve his friends’ romantic entanglements for later.

“Bucky, two basic options; your friend is Hydra and tried to kill you and Captain America, or every Pack’n’Play on earth is made by Hydra. What’s your best guess?”

Bucky bent himself in half laughing. He said, “I can get your answer in two minutes. JARVIS, would you please connect us to Aireagoir via her cell?”

In a few seconds they all heard “Hi? Bucky? What’s happened?”

Bucky shot a significant look at Tony and said, “Hon, what would you say if I mentioned the phrase ‘cut off one head?’”

There was a heart-rending screech on the other end of the phone. “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO ERNIE, YOU MONSTER? I WILL END YOU, AND CAP. SO HELP ME GOD, I WILL GO BACK IN TIME AND KILL YOU AS SPERM. I WILL KILL THE IDEA OF YOUR PARENTS HAVING SEX. THEY’LL NEVER MEET, YOU ASSHATS. WHERE IS MY ERNI-EEEEEEEEEEEE?” Suddenly there was horrific crying at the other end.

Tony let Bucky handle that while he processed that Aireagoir wasn’t Hydra. Huh. That meant it was likely Hydra really did manufacture stuff for babies, just to be total dicks. That was a unique look into the psyche of the program as a whole. Well, that would explain why it blew up his lab. Also, it proved it wasn’t his fault, which meant he got a total overhaul and Pepper couldn’t lay it on him in the least. Hell, this called for a celebration.

But where would Ernesto sleep?

Bucky looked back, almost like he could read Tony’s mind. “Tony, Ernie has been sound asleep in a drawer for over an hour. Steve is up there with Clint, when we heard the noise we decided to split the supersoldier power, one to see what happened, one to rearguard the kid.”

“Sure. Thanks.” Tony didn’t mention the heartwarming little _tête-à-tête_ he witnessed from Bucky and Darcy, albeit half-conscious.

Suddenly, as if Pepper could _sense_ he blew up something, there she was, over the speaker. “Tony, there was a disturbance in the force, Tony. Tell me what you did.”

Tony was frozen. How does Pepper **do** that?

“Pepper, it’s Bruce. Tony was examining something for Cap and Bucky. It turned out to be Hydra tech. He may have saved the life of the baby Cap and Bucky are babysitting.”

“Oh, my God! Tony, darling, are you okay? Talk to me, Tony.”

Tony knew he owed Bruce big time for softening up Pepper. “Babe, I’m fine. Thor dug me out. Turns out Hydra makes Pack’n’Plays.”

“Oh, Tony. You were making it safer, weren’t you?”

“You know me too well, Pep.”

“Oh, my God, Tony. Did you go straight into DNA coding without checking for a tripwire?”

“No, honey. It was coded into the metal frame. It’s why no two pieces of baby equipment ever function the way you think they will. They can’t. It’s part of Hydra’s plan to destabilize parents. Who can live with tech that never functions properly? It’s an evil plan if ever I heard one.”

“Thor and Bruce, please watch over him. Do I need to come back?”

Somehow Thor boomed out “No, good lady Pepper,” right over Tony’s squeaky “YES!” How did he do that? Ugh. Gods. What can you do?

One hour later almost everything was cleaned up. They found Dum-E right where Tony left him. The last thing Tony remembered saying was “What the hell have you done with my screwdriver?” Bless his heart, the robot had tripped right over the tool in question and somehow absorbed some of the blow from the blast. Hell, it might have saved Tony’s life. Tony chose to treat Dum-E like he did it on purpose. He was in a generous mood tonight. Bite-size was zooming around, checking the pulse of everything that wandered near the lab. He was a little freaked out. He gave Bite-size the parameters for the portable crib he wanted to build for Ernie, and let the little robot figure out basic schematics. If Dum-E could hand him some essential tools, like the freaking screwdriver, the framework should be set up by morning. Then the fun could begin.

Thor and Bruce led Tony to his quarters and Bruce went so far as to make certain he put on pajamas and got into bed. Tony started with “Bruce, it's conceivable we may have a big prob--"

But all he got in return was, “Tony, you got hurt a little more than you know. Let’s talk about everything tomorrow, all right?”

So Tony slept, at night, just like most other people. It was weird.

*

Meanwhile, Bucky was upstairs, relaying the entire event to Cap. Clint had left immediately following the blast, shouting instructions to JARVIS to locate Nat and tell her to rendezvous in the lobby for perimeter security.

Steve was, as expected, extremely and self-righteously angry at the idea Hydra would make things for babies. He forgot he had accused the stroller of being made by Hydra just a few hours earlier. Then, with a sly smile, he said, “Guess Tony made a boner, huh?”

Bucky laughed and said “Honey, you have GOT to let that one go.”

He laughed more when Steve said “I do NOT have to let go of Tony’s boners.” Then they both shook silently with laughter, Bucky shaking his head and saying, “SEE? How did we get here? It’s all I’m asking. How did we get here? Boners, tech boners, mistakes, bananas, and gay men making breastmilk… how did we get here?”

Steve looked over and said “Hell if I know. But I’m glad we’re here together.”

Bucky gave a long, deep look at Cap, the conversation he had with Darcy floating through his head in fragments. “Me too, babe.”

*

Meanwhile, Thor and Darcy were looking over (the admittedly smaller) mess the triplets had made with the nanny. “My love, you want to do what with Barnes?”

Darcy turned the full force of her beautiful smile on her beloved. “Have a baby with him, my love.”

Thor looked surprised. Then…”Of course you do, darling. What will you say to Steven?”

“Hm. That’s a good question.” Darcy had a small frown. “I think Barnes had better tell him.”

“As you wish, Darcy.” Then they took full advantage of an overpaid nanny and enjoyed the rest of their evening in.

*

Steve and Bucky went into the bedroom and slowly got ready for bed while Bucky recounted the events in the lab. The men were both extra quiet as Ernie made tiny gurgling noises and waved one hand above his head. Bucky talked about the mess, Tony being out cold, Thor’s help to lift the desk off of Stark and his robot assistant. Barnes did leave out some, uh, other conversation, because this wasn’t the time. As he talked, Steve couldn’t help but think of how Bucky looked when they heard the explosion. In only nine seconds Bucky had stood straight up, tucked a kitchen knife into a sheath sewn into his jeans (of COURSE he had hidden sheathes in his clothing. Of COURSE he did) and then turned to Steve with a wild look in his eye, saying “Steve, if the explosion wasn’t an accident, take Ernie and run to Esther and Lidia’s in Brooklyn.” As Steve watched him run towards the door he asked, “Hon, what are you going to do?” Bucky had looked back from the door, the hall lights glinting off of his arm.

“Put myself between whatever just happened and you two. If ANYBODY other than me tells you it’s safe to come out, run Steven. I mean it. I love you.”

Then he was gone.

Steve remembered that look in his eye, the fiercely protective gaze mixed with fear and love. The last time he had seen that look in Bucky’s eyes, Bucky was making a deal with God himself; telling Him he would take anything and everything God wanted to hand him as long as He stopped hurting Stevie with pneumonia, heart palpitations and scoliosis.

Steve thought about the fact Bucky was willing to die to protect a baby he had known for 12 hours. The next thing he knew he was crashing into Bucky, kissing him so wantonly and deeply he could feel, not hear, his lover’s moan. Steve backed Bucky up against the wall. He cradled his head with his left hand while his right hand reached under Bucky’s shirt to feel soft skin over hard abs, moving his hand around his hip to the back. With a primal thrust he could barely control Steve began to grind against Bucky, whose lips were devouring Steve’s neck as he whispered, “God, Stevie, whatever I did I’ll do it again. Oh…oh, yeah. Please, baby, please undress me. Too many clothes. Don’t stop, don’t stop.”

Steve knew Buck was wearing a T-shirt he didn’t like in case Ernie spit up. That meant…

“AHH. Ahhh, ahhh, damn, that’s hot, don’t stop,” Bucky groaned as Steve pulled the shirt at the neck and ripped it straight down the middle. Now he could kiss and suck a trail towards Bucky’s belt buckle. As Steve kneeled in front of him, toying with his belt buckle, Bucky became more and more certain the lab **had** really exploded and this wasn’t his bedroom, this was heaven. A heaven where Captain America, the love of his life, was popping open the buttons of his jeans _with his teeth_ while murmuring, “Men (pop!) who rush into battle (pop!) to defend helpless (pop!), innocent babies (pop!) deserve something VERY good for their (pop!) heroic deeds.”

Bucky had just enough blood flow to his brain to respond “Oh, I’m only doing what (siiiiigh) Captain America (ahhhhhh, oh, YES) would want a good (hhhnnng) citizen to do (BLEH)."

Pause.

Pause.

“Steve?”

Steve looked up, perplexed.

“Stevie? Did I say something wrong?”

“You gagged!”

“Wait. What? I thought you gagged!”

“Baby, no offense, but even you can’t, uh, present an issue with length when your pants are still on—”

**_BLLLLEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHH. URP._ **

Steve stood up and ran to the dresser, Bucky hot on his heels. There was Ernesto. Washed, dried, lotioned, powdered, diapered, pajamaed, sleepsacked and swaddled…

In an OCEAN of semi-digested formula barf, contentedly using his unswaddled tiny digits to fingerpaint a section of exposed antique cherry wood.

Steve looked at Bucky. Bucky looked at Ernie. Ernie began to run vomit through strands of his own hair.

“Fuck,” said Bucky.

“Fuck,” Steve replied.

"Eeeep!" Ernie contributed.

 

Then he barfed again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the final installment of Subscriber Sundays! we wrap up the tale of Steve, Bucky, baby gear made by Hydra and reveal just what Bucky and Darcy will do for love.

********

 

The following morning, Tony woke up at 9:13. He felt well rested, settled down and ready to focus on the baby crib. These were all foreign feelings and Tony hated them.

He went down to the lab and discovered Dum-E and Bite-Size had been hard at work without him. They gave Tony a quick demonstration of their accomplishment; a carrying case the size of a lunchbox popped open to self-construct a lightweight metal crib/playpen frame. The frame met every guideline for safety in the developed world plus it had an air mattress that automatically inflated when the crib unfolded. The finishing touch popped up on the top of the frame; an arm that held a mobile. The mobile had teeny Iron Man, Captain America and Falcon flying around in a circle while mini-Black Widow did back flips over and over on the top of the pole.

Tony patted each robot on the head. Dum-E was so proud he issued a cybernetic signal to Bucky’s left arm, sharing the good news. Bite-size got flustered when the arm sent back congratulations to both of the robots channeled through JARVIS. Bite-size had a bit of a crush on Bucky’s arm but duuuh, it was in a long term relationship. Tony was oblivious to all of this.

Tony did some quick calibrations to make sure the frame would always open for Ernie himself, his parents, plus anyone sharing DNA from the JARVIS team database (i.e. Ernie’s babysitters). While he was there he coded the frame to protectively close around Ernie if the frame sensors picked up that Bruce was transforming. Then, for fun, Tony enclosed wetness sensors on the mattress which had his voice saying "Shit!"

Which was naturally followed by Steve’s voice demanding, "Language!"

If Ernie’s parents’ couldn’t take a joke after he blew up his lab for them, screw ‘em.

Tony proudly brought the tech to team breakfast, where everybody was suitably concerned about his near explosion (satisfying) but not as concerned as they were that Cap and Bucky lost sleep over little Ernie waking up every three hours (unsatisfying). However, Steve and Bucky looked over the moon at the self-constructing crib, mentioning something in passing about ordering some high-powered wood cleaner from Amish people or something. Tony blanked out when he saw crepes.

Then Darcy, Thor, and the triplets came down, which was the cue for everybody to prepare for DEFCON 1 chaos. Ein, Tveir, and Prír were utterly mesmerized by Ernesto, who was happily sitting on Bruce’s lap, soaking up the attention of three little playmates and a Maria Hill who looked curiously maternal all of a sudden.

That reminded Tony…should he say anything? I mean, it wasn’t _technically_ any of his business, but also, when had that ever stopped him? He did hear that Darcy and Bucky were going to run off, leaving Thor and Steve with such immense broken hearts that he might as well put Sam on the permanent payroll. But, crepes.

Bucky was in the middle of making Darcy laugh, something about “Then this goofball says ‘slip one more into Thor’s nursery, how will the nanny even notice?!’ So there I am, wearing puke in places I ain’t thought about since Azzano,” and Steve’s ears were a bright shade of pink when…dammit. Tony realized that through everything, there were only two people he could ever really count on to make the tough calls: Pepper in his personal life, and Cap as an Avenger. Bucky could lay around all he wanted flirting with that ‘aw, shucks’ newsie bullshit but he was NOT going to leave Steve a single father, uh, well, for two more days, anyway, and run off with Darcy.

So, never one to shy away from confrontation in a public place, or a privately owned condo, or, well, anywhere, honestly, Tony mustered up every tenderhearted cell in his under-caffeinated body, and both of them decided to say, “I heard everything, Bucky. I wasn’t unconscious the whole time you were digging me out, and I know all about your plan with Darcy. I can’t just let you casually flirt over these delicious, and subtly flavored crepes-- don’t think I didn’t notice, Clint-- while the two of you do the most hurtful and selfish thing I can think of. No can do. Thor and Cap have a right to know you’re planning this awful thing. There. I said it.”

Everybody looked at everybody else with varying degrees of alarm and confusion. Then Thor laughed loudly as Ein came running past him with a fistful of orange slices and scooped him up in a giant hug to say, “But Tony, could you imagine a finer way for two people to demonstrate their love for one another? It would be miraculous! I’m so lucky to be married to a woman that will love this deeply!”

Steve looked at Thor, who was beaming at Darcy, who was glaring at Tony, who was scowling at Bucky, who looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a T-34 tank.

“Babe, what is Tony talking about?” Steve had his “personal” eyebrow furrow going. It wasn’t nearly as bad as his official “Captain America is furrowing his brow in disappointment at you, son”TM but Lord, it was bad enough.

“Good god, Tony! Darcy and I only talked about it the once. It’s not like we were gonna do anything without Steve, for crying out loud.”

Tony didn’t look impressed. “Sure, you were gonna _talk_. Was it going to be a note left on a mantelpiece I know for a fact you don’t have in your suite, or just a text from you saying ‘thanks for bringing me home, buddy, Darcy and I got this from here?’”

“Holy cow, Tony, not that it’s any of your business, but Darcy and I liked the thought of Steve being there through the entire thing. Satisfied?” Bucky turned to Steve and muttered, “Hon, this isn’t how you were supposed to find out. I had a whole plan, there was gonna be a big dinner and everything.”

At this exact moment, Pepper walked in rolling a Louis Vuitton overnight valise and without preamble stated “Tony, what plan did you just ruin?”

“Pepper! Thank God you’re back. Pepper, there was a baby brought by this lunatic who thought Steve and Bucky would be good babysitters and then it turned out every single piece of baby equipment on earth is manufactured by Hydra and I built the baby a better crib but Darcy and Bucky are going to run away together and leave Thor and Steve brokenhearted single fathers. This is what my life becomes when you leave, Pepper.”

Thor, Darcy, Bucky and Steve inhaled but none of them uttered a sound before they heard the _ding!_ of the elevator and Aireagoir got off. She saw all of the Avengers poised to unleash hell upon themselves and wore a tiny frown until she saw Ernie, sitting in Dr. Banner’s lap, playing with Maria Hill’s bracelet. She started towards him until the weirdness of the entire tableau got the better of her and she asked, “Pep? Did I miss something?”

“I think we both did. Let’s back up to the plan you ruined, Tony. What plan did you ruin?”

Tony used his crepe fork to stab at the air. “Not ruin! Save the day! I just stopped a love, what’s a triangle with fewer sides? I just stopped a love line with finite points from ruining everything we have here, Pepper. See? Saved the baby from a Hydra crib and stopping nefarious plots to ruin lives! I’m the good guy here—wait. You knew about the lab. How did you know about the-”

“TONY, as soon as Bucky called Aireagoir, she told me and I called YOU. Who do you think I’ve been with all weekend? We thought after the explosion we’d better cut our getaway short.”

Bruce nodded, then added “But none of this explains what you think you’re stopping, Tony.”

“I’m stopping Darcy and Bucky from running off together. They hashed it out while they were digging me out of the lab. Thor was there, he knows.”

Now it was Thor’s turn to furrow his brow. “But Tony, nobody is going anywhere. Everyone would stay right here, except for the big day, naturally.”

“Big day? I can’t handle this anymore. JARVIS, please play the recording of the few minutes Darcy and Bucky were talking while I was under the desk. I’m sorry Steve, but you’ll hear it clearly, just like I did.”

JARVIS came over the speakers. “Sir, I believe doing so may cause undue discomfort to some of the team, as this is a private conversation.” Tony grimaced and said, “That’s the point, pal.” JARVIS came through again. “As you wish, sir. Cueing it up now. This recording starts from Mrs. Lewis Odinson and Sgt. Barnes discussing future plans together.” There was a faint sound of materials being discarded and the pair walking on the detritus of the lab as JARVIS enhanced the voices to be clearly heard.

“It’s not that Ernie isn’t great, it’s just that I see how tired you are, and it worries me. Did you really think it would be like this? Do you miss your freedom?”

“Oh, I miss it, trust me Bucky, I wanted this a lot more than you know but I can’t say I was truly prepared for how hard it would be. Still, it’s worth it. Even though I look and feel 90 years old, no offense.”

“Oh, Dollface, you’ll be gorgeous at a hundred and you know it! I guess, all it is, is that as I get back to a more normal life I’m starting to want things I didn’t know I could want. I mean, me, married? With a kid? I think Steve’s on the same page, but it’s hard to tell.”

“Talk it through. Trust me. With Thor I actually had to say, verbatim, “I want it, too!” Men are scared to have kids. They always have, always will be. You just gotta trust you’re mature enough.” Over the speakers everybody heard some rubble being expertly shifted.

“Steve will kill me if he knows I’m already thinking about a kid when I haven’t even asked him to marry me yet. But will he run if I mention I suddenly want, like, the whole white picket fence? Nat freaked when Clint asked. I did get the ring ordered, though.”

JARVIS was polite enough to turn down the volume on Darcy’s squeal of delight.

“I thought Thor would too, then I was completely honest about it, and here we are.” More rubble.

“I didn’t think I could have something for one damn minute and it could erase 70 years of pain. But feeling Ernie in that sling was better than a hundred therapy sessions. I mean, I know a kid can’t fix the past.”

“You’re right. It won’t, Buck, but it will make the future so much more than you dreamed it could be. Remember how six months ago you couldn’t even dream Steve would want you? Look at how badly you would have felt if you have gone back to Brooklyn without trying.”

“God, I’m a mess. I can’t go back, Darce, I just can’t. I can’t ever feel alone like I did before I got my memories of Steve back.”

“Let’s solve this THEN build the future. Okay, babe?” There was a creak, where Thor had heard his wife ask if he was "okay, babe." He loved that. Secretly, one of Thor’s favorite things to do was pretend he was tiny and he needed Darcy to protect him. But right now he was glad of his strength to dig out his friend. He was also so proud that his wife was a good listener and compassionate friend to Barnes. He respected Barnes as one of the finest warriors he had ever known; a man who stopped at nothing to return to the side of good and fight alongside his shield brother, Steven. He heard Darcy whisper one more tender thing into Bucky’s ear before lifting up part of the exploded crib.

“Just remember, if you guys decide to go the surrogate route, I want more than anything to be there for you. You know how much Thor, the boys and I want you to have a family.”

“Right you are, Darce.” Then Bucky resolutely set aside his nervousness at asking Steve to please let him bring a baby along to the end of the line, and beyond.

*

Absolutely everyone sat in silence. Tony was staring at his crepes, Pepper was staring at Tony, Clint and Nat were staring at each other, and Sam was staring at Aireagoir, who thought being a surrogate mother was such a beautiful offer she couldn’t contain her emotions.

Everyone was still silent as Steve placed his napkin on the table, stood up slowly, then walked around the kitchen island to where Tony was standing, motionless, wondering if Steve would at least let Pepper leave the room before he ripped out Tony’s spleen with his bare hands. Steve looked Stark in the eye and took a deep breath.

Steve pulled Tony into an embrace that threatened to prove a man could indeed be pressed into a two dimensional creature. After a number of uncomfortable and bewildering seconds, Steve finally pulled back and clapped Tony on the shoulder as he muttered, “I don’t know how you do it, Tony, but the more you screw up, the better my life becomes.” Then Steve turned to Bucky.

“Buck, all that, that’s what you’ve been thinking about? Since we got Ernie?”

Bucky nodded and gave a tiny smile. “Uh, yeah, babe. Since way before Ernie. I guess since we’re putting it all on the table, JARVIS, would you please read the content of my last email to T’Challa? The one I sent coded?”

JARVIS came through again with, “Certainly, Sgt. Barnes. The message, sent six days ago, reads “T’Challa, thanks for the info, I definitely want the ring in the middle picture. The other designs look too flashy, Steve isn’t a showy guy. Can you have it ready in three weeks? I’ll transfer the money today, in case Steve sees it for some reason the memo will be ‘pharmacy.’ Guess it’s true, he’s the best medicine! Oh god, forgive me that joke. Being in love has made me the world’s biggest sap. Bucky.”

Steve, still standing by Tony, rushed to the table and cupped Bucky’s face with his hands and whispered “I love you, more than you could ever possibly know. But, well, I think this will give you an idea.” Steve turned to Aireagoir and said, “Hey, um, in light of all of this…” Aireagoir smiled and said “Shall I read out loud the babysitting text?” Steve sat next to Bucky again and nodded. “Yes, please.”

Aireagoir fished her phone out of her purse then thumbed through a few texts until she got the one she knew Steve wanted.

_“Hey, Pepper said you all are meeting soon. Is it weird to ask you a favor, and let us babysit? Don’t want to put any pressure on Buck by asking if we have a future, he’s come so far and I don’t want him to think I’m pushing him. Basically, I’m asking to borrow your kid so he can see how cute I look holding one. Deal? Have a wonderful time with Pepper, Amy and Diane.”_

The sound of the world’s most jaded superheroes melting into goo was subtle, but you could hear it if you listened. As the Brooklyn boys sat together and kissed one more time, Ernie let out a high-pitched giggle, which made Steve blush with delight and everybody else get back to the business of finishing their breakfast.

Thankful the spell was broken, Aireagoir crossed the commons area and picked up Ernie. Dr. Banner gave a small smile and introduced himself, confessing he didn’t know the name of Pepper’s best friend in high school. Aireagoir laughed and then said “Well, that’s how all of this works, doesn’t it? How else would I have met Steve and Bucky?” She made a little punching fist with Ernie’s chubby arm. “That’s how all of this works! We don’t need no 21st century fancy fourth wall, do we, Ernie? Say ‘no!’ Say ‘No, I don’t, Uncle Bruce!’ Pep and I go way, way back. I’m a writer. Pepper was there when I wrote my first book.”

Bruce nodded. “What do you write about?”

Aireagoir smiled.

“Well, my family, my friends, even little Ernie here. But it all boils down to the same thing,” she mused.

“What is that, Aireagoir?”

“I write love stories, Dr. Banner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all of the Steve/Bucky fans who read, responded with prompt ideas, left comments and kudos, and/or passed on the link for others to see. You're so generous, and you'll never know how much you mean to me!
> 
> Sidenote: I am so bad at visual arts I need to take remedial stick figures 101. If anybody out there would be willing to draw a picture of anything inspired by these ficlets, I would love to collect them as a series and have cover art. Naturally your work would be credited and promoted as much as I possibly could!  
> Thanks again, AO3.  
> \--Aireagoir
> 
> This has been wonderfully fun and I thank you for going on this silly ride with me. Coming soon, we'll return to the Mr. Miles Series, with EYE OF THE NEEDLE posting chapter by chapter for the upcoming months.


End file.
